So much to think about these days. Being oddly sensitive to “things” I find myself in a perpetual state of inertia, holding my breath, waiting for the fallout. This is not a new state of mind for me. Ever since I can recall I have had a sense of waiting for something to happen. When I was a hired creative person and programmed to always keep projects moving I buried myself in the work and that gave me the illusion I was making progress. Yet I felt personally unfulfilled and inert as a fine artist. After childhood dreams, a college art education and a career in advertising I did not attempt to paint a “fine art piece” until I was forty years old. I honestly did not think it was possible nor even allowed. Nothing in my career had anything to do with painting, or art for that matter. “Art” was a term to mean any part of the creative process necessary to achieve the marketing goals. If art was a necessary element to that end, the job of the art director was to procure the art, not necessarily create it. As an art director I could ideate, sketch, color, cut and paste, delineate, discuss and order creativity but rarely be The Artist.

To be effective in that position requires a certain level of dispassion. I believe the people with whom I worked throughout my career appreciated my ability to blend a genuinely artistic mindset with a right-brain marketing mindset. It was no surprise to any of them that I did some kind of fine art on the side. Many encouraged me to paint and “color in my spare time.” They still do.

I decided to give this painting the title, “FALLOUT,” which seemed appropriate. I started it in 2021, while sheltering from COVID19 and dealing with the FALLOUT from The Insurrection of January 6. At the time it seemed like an antidote to the bleakness I felt was consuming everything. I wanted to use vertical lines to somehow express opposition. Many of my previous paintings flowed in a horizontal direction. When I spoke of those paintings I used words like pulsing, flowing, running, chasing, free. This painting was more about gravity – things falling downward. Back to earth. And it is about rising – in this case the plants and grasses that rise from the earth as the falling rain nourishes them. The bursting upwards of color and amazing diversity that feeds the eyes and soul. I needed something hopeful.

Except I did not finish it in 2021. It became too big and overwhelming. I lost my mojo, my faith was shattered and things seemed hopeless. I was depressed about everything including regarding the painting as a waste of time and energy. However, the painting remained tacked to a wall until this past July. I had been staring at it every day all that time and as I stared at it I saw it change with the passing light of day. In the evenings the setting sun shined on it and I would think it is quite beautiful and I should finish it. I painted other pictures in the meantime, smaller less lofty ones. What I learned from those smaller paintings was invaluable.

When I eventually had the confidence to proceed I did so with conviction, as if I always knew exactly what had to be done. The additional work enhanced the sense of falling that was so important to my original concept and I was mostly pleased with the outcome. I told my trusted confidant, JTR that I thought the painting should be titled, “FALLOUT.” He said he had also thought of a title, which was “PILE.”

I could see his point. As I explained to him, what I saw with my eyes and in my mind was a mess. A wild mess of colors and species along with the sky and other elements. I was not interested in producing a painting of flowers, a still life or landscape. I wished to create an abstraction of grids and color. A metaphor for humanity. We are the wild mess – colorful and diverse – easily trampled and disregarded.

This is a difficult painting to photograph properly. I know these pictures do not represent it adequately nor do I think I can verbally convey its attributes sufficiently. What excites me about this painting is that in it I see opposition to inertia. Not only the effect of falling and rising but also pushing forward and receding – all at once. Is that rain, snow, ash or nuclear fallout? Are the colors simply a disguise that allows me to have hope?

In 2007 I painted a set of four panels, each one having a distinct bent. At the time my paintings were usually based on and confined to a grid of horizontal rows. By adjusting light and dark tones in each row I thought I could create a pulsating effect that seemed to mitigate and in some cases, defy inertia. The element of verbiage inscribed on each panel – in this case, streams of consciousness, mantras and litanies reflected my searching mind. This approach seemed to somehow break through the surface plane of the painting. To me, the effect was like currents going in opposite directions, yet running parallel to each other. Always creating a sense of movement.

FALLOUT was a departure from the usual grid or pre-planned idea I had previously adhered to in my paintings. Even my questionable piece, Undetectable from 2009 became an unmanageable mess when I attempted to defy the grid. I ended up seeking alternate grids – circles, flower petals and other shapes. In early 2021, when I began working on FALLOUT the pandemic had been raging for a year and I didn’t know WTF was going on. I realized no one did. JTR and I only went into town if necessary, wearing hospital masks. Otherwise we only left the house to ride our bicycles out in the open air. It was spring and I recalled the wildflowers provided color everywhere I looked. My soul was soothed as the colors sped by, even as my cynical self told me they would soon be mowed away or die. Still, nature always inspires me and I convinced myself I should capture the memory. I worked on this painting every day with only a vague plan as I had not sketched it out as I typically would. After several coats of gesso I painted the first pale green stripes and thought, “Oh fuck! What am I doing?”

The intimidation I felt at that moment should have deterred me. I started painting the vertical stripes that are now buried deep in the background, as fast as possible. It took many weeks and while I worked the news coming in kept getting worse. I was already soul-sick because of the Trump/MAGA degradation of America and felt seriously disempowered. I always believed art would be my salvation but instead I was watching the dismantling of the American arts culture. That has only become more acute. This administration does not like real artists, they prefer culture wars.

I maintain the MAGA types and politicians in general are NOT creative types. It is an affront to hear them claim they are creative when I think of them as creatively phony. It is very easy to use Artificial Intelligence to construct “beautiful” and convincing images and video. Do not be fooled! AI scrapes the internet and available databases to re-arrange what already exists into something that looks authentic, but is not. My painting, FALLOUT is about the psychological chaos I think we must all be experiencing at this moment in time. It is about the diversity each of us must accept is the basis for our existence as Americans. It is about democracy, as overblown as that sounds.

This is what democracy looks like to me – opposing forces working together to find common ground and consensus. Each of the wildflower plants is different and has its own agenda for survival. However they all share the water, soil and air while they exist. En masse they present a picture of harmony while their roots vie and struggle for water, nutrients and supremacy. Above the surface the leaves of each plant block one another from the sun as stems push flowers upwards. Meanwhile rain pours down or a freak spring snow occurs. Volcanic ash, soot, and other pollutions drift downwards, succumbing to gravity. FALLOUT is all around us and if you are not looking you miss it, or mistake it as normal.

FALLOUT took several months to paint and I wanted it to be an antidote to my sadness. While I painted I listened to a lot of music. I also listened to what was going on in the world. In a strange way my painting sessions became imbued with my thoughts and reactions to what I was seeing and hearing. I am not happy about what is happening in our country nor in other parts of the world. I have dealt with adversity and survived but not bombs and bullets! I no longer think I am being sensitive to things. Things like freedom of speech and the freedom of artistic expression should be exalted, not suppressed. Things like accountability and due process in law enforcement should be respected as long as civil rights are not violated. Things like the weaponization of our military against ourselves must NEVER be tolerated! I know my painting will not change these discrepancies. My painting will not change how we behave towards each other as fellow human beings. But it will be part of my legacy. I am making it known that I oppose authoritarianism and outright fascism. My painting is not an overt political statement but it is a manifestation of everything I was thinking, feeling and living after the attempted overthrow of our federal government on January 6, 2021. Although tempted, I was not going to spend my time making MEMES. I feel that is a terrible waste of time. It is possible people will not understand my painting but as R.W. Emerson said, “It is a luxury to be understood.” I have many thoughts regarding art because it is so important to me. I hope the people I know who regard themselves as artists or fellow creative souls also watch and take note. FALLOUT resulting from the erosion of freedom of expression is like any other FALLOUT – insidious and dangerous.

As I write, this Cruel and Unusual Administration is aimed at subverting our Constitution. Its politicos, financial supporters and adherents have gone to great lengths to create this reality for the rest of us. For decades, they pronounced this as their goal. They will marginalize artists out of existence if they can, unless of course an artist can monetize. Some Americans actually said they could handle having a dictator rather than a President. I look forward to the day Our Dictator is knocked off his perch. I believe there will be accountability. And a lot of FALLOUT.